Nutjob Hills Archives

The Insomniac

Kevin (not his real name) is one of the many residents of Nutjob Hills that at first, or even second, glance most people would consider him to be an actually normal person in spite of where he lives.  They’d be wrong.

You see Kevin has an unusual kind of problem.  He very rarely sleeps.  By day he’s an ordinary guy going about his life.  He works in an office in town, has a family, mows his lawn and so on.  What most people don’t know is that bit about not sleeping much.  Oh he’s tried all sorts of sleep aids but still he’s wide awake most of the time.  By that I mean MOST of the time. You see, Keven gets about eight hours of sleep every five or six weeks.

That’s right.  I said eight hours of sleep every four or five weeks.

No, he’s not a walking zombie most of the time, his doctor has found no explanation for it and every attempted solution has failed totally.

And so, when the rest of the world goes to sleep, Keven gets to essentially have a second life in which he spends a lot of time reading, watching TV & movies or working on some project or another.  He’s always up to date on the news and local happenings and he hasn’t missed a tv show or movie that he’s wanted to see in years.

After four to five weeks of this he starts to get tired.  Goes to sleep.  Eight hours later (yes, exactly eight hours, it’s been timed more than once) he’s up and ready to go at it for the next month or so.

And you thought you had insomnia!

Technorati Tags: not sleeping, nutjob hills, insomnia, weird, rare sleep, sleep, odd, sleep disorder, never sleep

Midnight Distraction

I was working late researching fat burners for a client who wanted me to recommend something that would help them safely and quickly lose thirty pounds so that they’d be “in shape” for a really important corporate meeting (apparently they need to seriously impress their boss), when Mr. Helpful came knocking at my door.  I looked outside and seeing who it was, I bookmarked fatburners.org and shut down my computer because when Mr. Helpful shows up being all polite (not really characteristic of him), it means there’s something serious going on that’s going to take a while at the very least.

It was serious all right. Seems that some local high school kids, bored and looking for that all elusive “good time”, decided to go out to “the haunted mansion” and check out the somewhat mysterious new resident who bought the old place a couple of weeks ago.

The problem is, that just like in the movies, kids like this are *always* a big hairy load of trouble and will inevitably manage to bite off more than they can chew or get themselves and others into a crapload of trouble.

We drove out to the old place which had been fixed up quite a bit in the time between it’s being bought online and the arrival of the new owner at night a couple weeks ago in a huge black limousine with blacked out windows and a couple of large boxes in luggage racks on the roof.

As we drew near the place we finally saw the kids we were looking for.  It took only one look to see that they were definitely no longer interested in screwing around with the new folks for a few laughs.  They were speeding away from the place.  Apparently they had been in such a big hurry to get out of there that they forgot one of their group because we found him about a long country block later, running in the road, yelling for his friends.

The kid was flat out stark raving terrified.  We couldn’t get him to make any sense at all.  All he said was something about a “monster” that was going to kill him and that he had to get out of there fast.  We ended up taking him to the local medical center because he was torn up pretty bad from apparently having fallen on the road a few times because he was literally tripping over himself trying to get away.

We never did get any kind of explanation of just what he was afraid of.  Later on Mr. Helpful and I are going to drive out there and talk to the new owner and see if he can shed some light on this.

Technorati Tags: mysterious person, weird, trouble, odd, teenagers, terrified, new resident, frightened, nutjob hills, haunted mansion

Overboard Habit

It’s interesting, some of the odd sleep related habits we can develop.  For years I had a habit of getting up around 6:30 to 7:00 am every morning, frequently even when I didn’t have to.  For most of those same years I slept in essentially the same position every night.

One local guy has a rather involved routine.  He’s got a three bedroom house, even though he lives alone, and every night he sleeps in a different one.  I understand that he’s got a schedule that he keeps.  Using each bedroom in a particular order.  His reason?  He figures that doing it this way will insure that he doesn’t have to buy a mattress for at least the next twenty years or more.  The downside of this is that while he is spreading the wear and tear on his mattresses in such a way that will let them last far longer than normal, he’s gotten so hooked on this routine that now if for any reason he has to sleep anywhere but home, it takes him almost a month to get back to normal when he gets home.  It’s almost like missing a day in his routine is traumatic or something.

As the residents of Nutjob Hills go however, this guy is plain vanilla mild.  There’s another guy with a similar habit, the big difference is that every night he makes a dozen bologna sandwiches and lays them out in baggies on the cover next to him so that he can snack if he wakes up.

Whatever sandwiches he doesn’t eat through the night become part of his breakfast.  Along with the bologna and cheese omelet he has every morning.

Technorati Tags: nutjob hills, habits, odd, humor

Pushy’s Big Secret

I call him “Mr. Pushy” because he is, without doubt, the single pushiest salesman I have ever had the misfortune to encounter.  He doesn’t understand any part of “No.” and won’t take that for an answer at all.  He came to town last spring, allegedly on vacation, from Chicago where he has this really high pressure sales job.  He has been heard several times admitting that he intends to make at least one sale to every resident of Nutjob Hills whether they need what they buy or not and in spite of their protests that they have no intention of buying whatever it is he’s selling that day.

In all this, I’ve always had my suspicions about Mr. Pushy and last night I got the first bit of confirmation.  I’ll grant that this is all third hand information and will need to be verified before it can be taken seriously but here it is.

Apparently Mr. Pushy is up for a big promotion back in his Chicago job.  He stands a chance to end up being the new lead trainer for new salesmen for his company.  The way that the company is deciding who gets this job is to have their best salespeople each go to a small town and make a sale to every resident of that town.  The one who gets closest to that goal and has the highest sales figures gets the job.

If this is true then we will be free of him and his pushy sales tactics by the first of October which is the deadline for this competition.

Technorati Tags: nutjob hills, new job, contest, salesman

Plumbing His Way To Profit

Mr. Pushy, the hard core salesman who is allegedly “on vacation” from his ultra high pressure job in Chicago has once again managed to find a sales angle that I would never have expected.

I found out about it yesterday when a neighbor from a couple streets over was telling me about Mr. Pushy’s most recent visit to his house.  You see, Pushy showed up while the neighbor was in the middle of trying to deal with a rather nasty leak that had developed in his kitchen sink.

Upon seeing this he told the hapless homeowner that he had “just the thing” and would be right back.  He returned ten minutes later with what *looked* like a box of brand new Moen kitchen faucets all ready to install.  He then actually rolled up his sleeves and helped the guy install a new set that he sold him for quite a bit less than they usually retail for.

I was at the guys house as he was telling me about this and I just had to have a look.  The faucets looked good enough and certainly worked.  Then I spotted it.  They weren’t actual Moen faucets. There was a small lowercase letter “i” at the end of the name.  Moeni, not Moen.  They’re knockoff lookalikes.

I told him about it and pointed out the “i” and he’s decided he is not going to worry about it as long as they work for as long as the warranty period.  If they do then he won’t have to think about them again until spring at least.  I decided not to bring up the fact that Mr. Pushy isn’t a licensed plumber

Technorati Tags: faucets, nutjob hills, salesman, plumbing

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