Nutjob Hills Archives

Finally A Real One

I was having coffee at the Nutjob Hills Diner the other day (yeah, I do that a lot, they’ve got good coffee) when a kid in his early twenties came in carrying a guitar.

I commented to the waitress that it looked like yoga guy (Note: I used his real name in the conversation, I only call him “yoga guy” when I write about him) had another noise festival planned.

The kid looked at me and said “I’ve heard of him.  He couldn’t pay me enough to waste my variax on something as horrible as what he wants.”

I replied that I was glad to hear it but just had to ask “I’ve heard of a lot of instruments but just what is a variax?”

He replied that it was his guitar.  It seems that the variax is a new-ish kind of guitar that combines classic guitar design with modern electronics and allows it to sound like any of several classic guitars from a Fender Stratocaster to a Gibson Banjo.

He said that their versatility was making them more popular over traditional instruments because the one thing could be used in a lot more situations.  This means that a professions guitar player need not carry as many different instruments with them when travelling.

Finally.  A real live musician that is apparently immune to yoga guy’s temptations.


One of the things that’s pretty common in Nutjob Hills is confusion.  Even in normal towns confusion is something that happens pretty easily, often because somebody only heard part of something and then takes what they heard in the wrong context.

This is sort of that kind of situation but even then it’s still mostly peculiar to Nutjob Hills because this sort of thing just doesn’t happen in other places.

Somebody at the Nutjob Hills Diner a few days ago fell victim to this when they overheard a guy at the next table asking “do i qualify for chapter 7?”.  Being a lawyer (albeit one from out of town) they just had to jump in with a bit of free advice about how to tell if you qualify for chapter 7 bankruptcy.

They were a bit embarrassed and quite confused when the person whose question there had been attempting to answer told them that this wasn’t about money, it was about a book.

You see a local writer was working on a new novel and had hired a few people to read new chapters and provide feedback as they were completed.  In order to qualify to get the next chapter each reader would have to satisfy the writer that they had actually read and comprehended the previous chapter and how it integrated into the story as a whole.

(Fortunately once the book is published such requirements will not be part of the deal.)

Yeah, It’s Still Happening

I don’t know why but it is indeed still happening.  Rumors and urban legends about Bob continue to abound.  This in spite of the fact that there’s no reason for them anymore.  I guess some people just don’t know when to quit.

One of the latest ones has a rumormonger claiming that Bob is preparing to set up his corporate headquarters in North Carolina.  It seems that this claim is based on another rumor that claimed that Bob has a team of accountants looking for the best car insurance rates Burlington NC has to offer for insuring whole fleets of vehicles at once.

The rumormonger goes on to claim that, unbeknownst to just about everyone not directly involved, Bob has allegedly formed a multinational mega corporation that he is going to use to literally take over the financial world.

Yeah.  Right.  That’s gonna happen.  Even IF there was any reason to suspect Bob of being a business type (he isn’t).

There Ought To Be A Law

Ever notice how some salesmen can get rather pushy in their efforts to peddle their wares?  Ok, granted, the traveling door to door salesman is very nearly an extinct creature in today’s age of doing business online but there are still a few of them left.

I think the reason is because they capitalize on the impersonal nature of the internet and their own ability to convince people that they actually care about their customer’s needs.  The fact that this ability is comparatively rare is one of the reasons why so few still pursue that profession.

One example that I heard about recently involves a salesman that has been knocking on doors of people with physical disabilities or any kind of difficulty in standing, walking or balancing.  The odd thing about him is that these are the ONLY people whose doors he’s knocked on.  It’s almost as if he’s made some effort to find out who in town has these problems and specifically targeted them.

He knocked on Joe’s door at 4:00 A.M. the other day (why it is that salesmen in Nutjob Hills always do their thing at such an hour is beyond me.  Even the ones that have never been here before do this).

He proceeded to start his pitch as the bleary eyed victim opened his door wondering who could possibly be there at such a hideous hour.  The salesman immediately started in about how ‘concerned’ he was that this person had serious trouble climbing stairs after the car accident they’d had a few weeks before and how installing stairlifts in both of their home’s stairwells would reduce the chance of a disastrous fall at least a thousand-fold.

Joe told me later at the Nutjob Hills Diner that this salesman continued his highly impassioned pitch, talking at breakneck speed and practically oozing concern over Joe’s well being for a full twenty five minutes before Joe could finally get a word in edge-wise to tell him that he never used the stairs anymore and order the salesman to leave.

Personally I think that it’s a reasonable idea that stairlifts can prevent a lot of problems for people with Arthritis, assorted injuries and just plain old fashioned balance problems.

However I also think that the Nutjob Hills city council needs to enact an ordinance prohibiting salesmen from doing their thing outside the hours of 9A.M. to 5P.M. or at all on weekends or holidays.

Of course, they’d also need to actually enforce it as well.

Where’s A Terminator when You Need One?

That’s what I’m asking myself right now.  I just found out that yoga guy has managed to find the thing he just couldn’t do his exercises without and that the serenade from hell will resume tonight as usual.

Except that he’s decided to celebrate and change things up a bit.  He’s made a deal with the local high school band.  He’d get each of the percussion players a new marching bass drum at WWBW if they’d stop by his place at four AM and do their best no-rehearsal performance of the 1812 overture.

I’d like to use his head for a drum.

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