I’m tired. Not just physically tired and in need of sleep to restore the body to fully waking status. I’m talking about being mentally and emotionally tired.
I’m talking about being exhausted from trying to come up with things to make my videos better and more engaging so that more people will watch them and share them with their friends and family.
I’m talking about how incredibly, awesomely weary I am of looking at things I have written and thinking “Damn, that sucks” in spite of how much effort I may have put into writing it at the time.
I’m tired of spending hour after hour after hour after hour writing in my blogs, doing keyword research and optimizing my posts for both human readers and for search engines all in an effort to squeeze a few more visitors out of them, hoping and praying that their precious clicks on adverts will increase enough so that I can actually earn a living wage that pays all of my bills and leaves a bit for me for the first time since 1997.
Basically, I’m tired of working my ass off and getting little to no return for it.
If you think that just because I don’t have a job working for somebody else that I’m just a lazy good for nothing sot leaching off of society you’ve got another think coming.
YOU try making two videos a day and keeping up with writing on six blogs while trying to be creative in both writing and video making!
I’ve been doing the daily video thing for almost two years now and ya’know what? I’m TIRED! Nearly burned out in fact. The creativity that used to come so easily for making videos is all but gone. Worn to a frazzle.
As for writing, I’ve been doing that since around 1998. Then I started this blog in February 2006. Since then I’ve had to expand to writing in five more blogs aside from this one. In that time I have written a total of well over 2,500 blog posts.
At an average of 250 words each that comes out to me having written approximately 625,000 words in the last six years. Can you blame me for feeling tired and like my creativity has been stretched so thin that it’s almost impossible to see anymore?
What’s almost scary is that lately I have been giving serious thought to starting to write actively in a seventh blog.
As you can see, my writing, while I honestly love doing it is yet another form of creativity that has been pushed and pushed and pushed until 99 percent of what I write is, in my personal opinion, total, absolute, shit.
I’m tired of scraping by most of the time, having the occasional financial blessing that lets me get caught up for a few months and then gradually start falling behind again.
Frankly I need a break, a vacation from all this responsibility to keep working my ass off to earn every stinking penny I can. A vacation from having to rack my brains every single day trying desperately to come up with something, anything, that will draw more readers, more viewers, and more clicks.
Too bad I cannot afford to take such a vacation. Not even for one day. I dare not stop writing and I dare not stop making videos because I desperately need every cent those things generate, precious little though it may be.
So why am I writing this? Because if I do not at the very least, vent, I’m gonna go totally fucking nuts, that’s why.
I mean, it would be a lot easier to deal with all this shit if I didn’t have to be doing it alone. and I’m not referring to just having “someone to talk to” either. That’s all well and good but I want more than that.
I’ve been alone entirely too long (as in literally most of my life) and I think that having somebody to not only talk to but curl up with when I’m not feeling good would do wonders. Not that I’d want to stop there. Oh no.
However that’s another subject entirely